Life is hard.  And for many people life is hard every day. No let-up.

I make my living helping others sort through pain in their lives. Some problems we create for ourselves with poor choices. Consider the person who drinks and drives resulting in a DUI.

Other difficulties occur because of things outside of our control. A diagnosis of a debilitating autoimmune disorder such as multiple sclerosis.

And other trials are a little of both—poor choices mixed with factors beyond our control. Consider a friend who becomes involved with a man who has a history of cheating. Months later your friend’s heart is broken from betrayal.

No matter what the cause of our hardships--we each have a choice on how we view our problems.

Let difficulties refine us not define us. Zig Ziglar

We can make a decision to not let our trials become our new identity.

A wife loses her husband in a fatal car accident. Fifteen years later is she still known by her friends as the widow who is rarely goes out even when invited.  Spending her time alone with little outside interests.

Or do we learn the lessons from our pain and let those lessons refine our character?

Becoming a healthier not weaker person having gone through difficulty.

Changing our focus from pain to purpose.

The great thing about God is that he never wastes our pain. The Christian worldview teaches that pain and suffering have value. God is in the business of redemption.

God can use the heartbreak from loss, rejection, cancer, bankruptcy, divorce, and injustice to refine us.

But let it never define us.

1 Peter 1:6-8

In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now; you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy . . .

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#ChristianCounselor #ChristianTrials

God answered my prayer about the topic for this week’s blog. The answer came while standing in line at Trader Joe’s Grocery Store.

The pretty dark-haired customer and the young male clerk were discussing death and funerals. I inched closer when I heard the topic.

This twenty-something woman was saying that the Bible teaches that Christians should not be sad when a believer dies. She said in her country, Christian funerals were to only be a time of celebration. Basically, funerals without tears.

Interesting.

But not healthy.

Or biblical.

Let’s look at what Jesus did when he lost His close friend. In the gospel of John, we find the story of Lazarus’ death (John 11:1-44).

Lazarus was the brother of Mary and Martha. Jesus would often enjoy their hospitality. But this visit was different. After Jesus arrived and saw all the grief, he was filled with emotion. We learn that:

Jesus wept (John 11:35).

Even though Jesus knew he was going to raise Lazarus from the dead, he still cried. Jesus found death to be sad. Through his tears Jesus demonstrated how much he loved his friend.

Death is unnatural and not in God’s original plan. It was only after sin entered the world that death resulted.

Tears are gifts from God. They are healing. We know from the Bible that God is saving all of our tears in a bottle. The Lord values our tears. He doesn’t condemn us for crying. He doesn’t call us weak. And He certainly doesn’t tell us to get over it.

Healing takes time. And it usually takes more time than we think.

Don’t let anyone shame you for grieving.

In America I’ve observed that Christians do allow fellow believers to grieve. But only if the grief doesn’t last too long.

When sadness after devastation lasts more than a few months, the advice begins. And the advice can be more hurtful than helpful.

I remember the time a church member took me out to lunch to encourage me. Instead I felt judged. She found fault with my grief. I came away from that meal feeling more isolated. Perhaps you have had a similar experience when someone’s encouragement only added to your pain.

Yes, celebrate the life of your loved one. Yet in the midst of the celebration let the tears flow. They are healing.

You keep track of all my sorrows You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book (Psalm 56:8).

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#ChristianCounseling #Grief #BibleonGrief

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted (Matt 5:4).

That first year after John’s death was rough. The second year was at least as painful.  And the third year a few rays of sunshine began to peak through. In the months immediately following the death of my 22-year old son to suicide, I wished for the pain to end.

I wanted God to take the sorrow away. How long was the grief going to last? It felt like the grief itself was my new problem. Or was it?

Let me explain by giving a dog analogy.

Haylee, our golden retriever pup, thinks her problem is the cone. It’s the gift the vet gives dogs after going under the knife making them neither male or female. The plastic cone of shame is attached to the collar making it impossible for the dog to lick his stiches. And Haylee has been crying most of the day.

Haylee is not only recovering from being neutered, but I believe she is clinically depressed.  If she could speak she would be using foul language.  Today, I found Haylee’s head buried in my husband’s closet between his hanging shirts. Uncharacteristically aloof, she wouldn’t even turn when I called.

If I could communicate with Haylee, I think it would help. I’d explain the purpose of the cone. And I’d assure her that the cone is temporary. In a week, it will be hauled away by the trash truck.

This whole cone/dog thing reminds me of some of my struggles in life.

I’ve had conversations with Jesus asking Him to fix a circumstance I view as a barrier to my happiness.

When He doesn’t, my self-talk can be filled with whining and self-pity. Especially about problems I don’t see a purpose for. I pray for God to remove these obstacles.

I especially desired for Him to take away my grief after the my son’s death. At times I believed the problem was my overwhelming sadness.

From God’s perspective, I believe He allows heartache to run its course so that we can heal.

Often when I’m counseling others in the midst of grief, their chief concern is their overwhelming negative emotions.  Perhaps it’s the crushing sadness after a divorce, loss of a family member, or some other disappointment with life. What we often don’t realize is that the processing of these difficult emotions will ultimately bring about hope and healing. 

No one likes the emotional pain that occurs after we experience loss. Most of us would rather just move forward leaving sad emotions behind.

Grief doesn’t work that way. We need to go through the grief process and feel in order to heal.

Grief, like Haylee’s cone, isn’t the problem. It’s there for a reason.

Grief is God’s way of bringing us to a better place.

So let us embrace the grief journey together.

Is there some problem that you are asking God to remove? Could it be God’s way of bringing about your ultimate hope and healing?

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